While I appreciate the help, it's officially gone.

I can't say I came here expecting one post to instantly solve everything, but this was my last ditch effort.
I've put lots of money and time into keeping it going. Just can't justify any more time, blood, sweat, tears, money, or garage/driveway space.

They'll be here tomorrow to pick it up and take it away. Luckily I'll be at work so I won't cry watching it being rolled down the street and out of view.

16 years, 360,000 miles
I always said I'd drive it into the ground. Until it won't run anymore.
It's officially 6 feet under, now.

You gotta do what you gotta do. At least you realized it's no longer worth the expense of what it would take to keep it going. Kudos

Billy would have made that thing run again. Shame you weren't closer.

Probably just a bad ground......

I have EXACTLY the same thing happening on my 2003 Ion (387,000 miles). What did come up once was the PCM error, but it went away. I can hear starter solenoid clicking, but no crank/no start condition. Starter is a year old. HOWEVER, the car starts every time it is wet/damp outside. Completely baffled as to the cause.